Super-quick post again!!! Thursdays are ugh.
I always have so many expectations for my one day off that I can’t possibly manage it all, but I did get up yesterday and walk first thing (with the boyfriend and the dog! Sooo happy.). The day was full of mostly cleaning and character work, but I did manage to fit in a short interval workout at the park and then come home and do yoga.
That last workout kind of leads into the real meat of this post…I’m going to be honest here. I let some girls at the park (a softball team! You think they’d be supportive of other athletes!) make me feel bad about myself. I was kicking some interval butt and they were snickering at me (one girl said I was “disgusting”). I spent an hour long yoga class trying to forget what they said – but kept looking at myself in the mirror and thinking they were right.
But here’s the real truth: I love myself and I think I look great. I never could have imagined that I would let any girl make me feel bad about myself. I couldn’t even believe it had happened.
I really feel like this all has to do with the show I’m doing. It’s really the first time ever I’ve been cast as “the hot chick,” and I always imagined that would feel like, “I’ve made it!” But what it really feels like is something so much darker and more complicated. I’ve had to face a lot of insecurities and evaluate how I perceive myself. I’m on this crazy pendulum of always feeling either not attractive enough or not talented enough, when intellectually I know I’m both or I would not have been cast.
I think I’m finally starting to understand how insanely attractive actresses can be SO insecure about their looks. It’s not that I didn’t believe them, it’s just that I didn’t understand. Now I think I’m beginning to see that it’s not that you don’t understand intellectually that people find you attractive, it’s just that you never stop seeing yourself as the eight year old you who was teased for being fat and slow (or whatever it is that makes you feel insecure). Take that baseline, then imagine other people (in their case, the press and public, in my case, other characters in the play and my directors) declaring publicly that you are super-hot. Viewing yourself as you do, you begin to worry that said public will not only A) think you are not hot, but B) assume that the opinions of the [press, public, characters, director] are YOUR opinions, and that YOU are declaring yourself to be the hottest shit. So you get defensive, you overcompensate by trying to increase your attractiveness, and you constantly feel you’re not living up to some invisible judge. So when anyone actually does take a swing at you, it totally knocks you down.
It’s not all physical, either. I’ve also had to take some uncomfortable looks at other aspects of my life that aren’t necessarily related to what this blog is about. But here’s what it boils down to: When I auditioned for this role, I won’t say I thought it would be easy, but I will say that I never could have imagined that it would be this character who would bring up all my “stuff.” I’m incredibly grateful for it, though, as introspection is not a luxury in which I often indulge.
On a lighter note:
Alex: You know how you’re like Katniss?
Me: (so excited for whatever wonderfully flattering thing will come next) How?
Alex: You never shave unless someone makes you.
Wah-wah. Gotta love an honest man. 😉